Tag Archives: diary

Entry #31 “Thank You Note”

Thursday, April 22, 2010

LORD, you have blessed me. I know it and I am acknowledging it here, and now. You have taken me to some places that I would not have trusted You to go, had you given me the choice.

But I went.

And I found that not only did you refill my empty heart, with a different kind of love, you healed and continue to heal it, piece by piece. Its not easy to be patient God, and I know you know I struggle with that in particular.

I know you have things in store for me that I couldn’t possibly imagine, desires of my heart and things that I need… I just need to be more patient – and you’re teaching me!

I’m understanding a tiny bit more, the concept of time and the art of waiting on you, God. I am thankful for my children and their smiles, despite the pain it can sometimes cause… because I know it brings me closer to you. I’m thankful for the ability to be around those that love me most, though it hurt me to need them, because I know it helps me recognize I need you.

I’m thankful that my broken heart is healing, and that love has been almost overwhelmingly poured into it, covering the canyon created when Jason left me. I know he’s with You, and that give me some peace.

Even more so, I know You understood my pain, and that’s why you’ve blessed me with so much love. Understanding how much you love me, even though its only the beginning… ( and knowing that is AMAZING!) is a journey I dont think I really knew the magnitude of until recently.

Maybe that was what this was for me, an awakening. Whatever your will, whatever the plan, I thank you in advance, and open my heart to you.

I lift my hands in total praise

Entry #27 “Measure of Faith”

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

[NEVER AGAIN will I confess or focus on doubt and a lack of faith, because the Word says: “God has dealt to each one [every person] a measure of faith.” (Romans 12:3) ]

Recently “lack of faith” or fear of the lack rather, has been my “excuse” for not being very focused on my church life.

I havent been reading.

I havent been studying.

I have only been living.

Existing. Taking up space and counting my blessings. I need to go to church.

I know.

I need to get these boys to church.

I know.

I’ve incorporated a “Talk about God and why we are thankful” day on Sundays to try to make up for the lack of church with the boys. I know its not good enough. I know.

Since I know these things, I must have some faith. I must have it embedded in my soul someplace, written on my hard-drive that God and church are right. Not just good but RIGHT. So I can no longer use fear of doubt, or lack of faith as an excuse not to go or listen, or at least study. 

Entry #19 “Trying to Tell Me Something….”

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Trying to Tell Me Something….

I made a corner in my house a few weeks ago, as a place for remembering. It has our family pics up from 2008, a few months before Jason passed. This weekend I found my little boy there, huddled in the corner, doing what looked like praying.

He’s 7, and unfortunately we dont get to church as much as we should… like ever. I pray with them, talk to them about God, but.. I think he needs more. Obviously theres always room for more God in someone’s life, especially for a little boy who’s lost his father. I knew that already. I just didnt act as quickly as I pictured I would when I reviewed my “game plan” as a new single mom.

For one thing, it aches to be in church without Jason. It literally creates a tightness in my throat and chest to be in places we used to be together, as a family. Family unit activities hurt. A lot. I feel wedged between two enormous feelings of hurt and disbelief, and a sense of loss for my children, being robbed of something so vital as a good father.

I digress.. As much as it broke my heart to see him there, praying so solemly, like a little old wise man, as much as I wanted to ask him what he was doing… I walked away. I said nothing.

Maybe God is trying to tell me something.