Category Archives: Diary

Thursday, April 22, 2010

LORD, you have blessed me. I know it and I am acknowledging it here, and now. You have taken me to some places that I would not have trusted You to go, had you given me the choice.

But I went.

And I found that not only did you refill my empty heart, with a different kind of love, you healed and continue to heal it, piece by piece. Its not easy to be patient God, and I know you know I struggle with that in particular.

I know you have things in store for me that I couldn’t possibly imagine, desires of my heart and things that I need… I just need to be more patient – and you’re teaching me!

I’m understanding a tiny bit more, the concept of time and the art of waiting on you, God. I am thankful for my children and their smiles, despite the pain it can sometimes cause… because I know it brings me closer to you. I’m thankful for the ability to be around those that love me most, though it hurt me to need them, because I know it helps me recognize I need you.

I’m thankful that my broken heart is healing, and that love has been almost overwhelmingly poured into it, covering the canyon created when Jason left me. I know he’s with You, and that give me some peace.

Even more so, I know You understood my pain, and that’s why you’ve blessed me with so much love. Understanding how much you love me, even though its only the beginning… ( and knowing that is AMAZING!) is a journey I dont think I really knew the magnitude of until recently.

Maybe that was what this was for me, an awakening. Whatever your will, whatever the plan, I thank you in advance, and open my heart to you.

I lift my hands in total praise

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

[NEVER AGAIN will I confess or focus on doubt and a lack of faith, because the Word says: “God has dealt to each one [every person] a measure of faith.” (Romans 12:3) ]

Recently “lack of faith” or fear of the lack rather, has been my “excuse” for not being very focused on my church life.

I havent been reading.

I havent been studying.

I have only been living.

Existing. Taking up space and counting my blessings. I need to go to church.

I know.

I need to get these boys to church.

I know.

I’ve incorporated a “Talk about God and why we are thankful” day on Sundays to try to make up for the lack of church with the boys. I know its not good enough. I know.

Since I know these things, I must have some faith. I must have it embedded in my soul someplace, written on my hard-drive that God and church are right. Not just good but RIGHT. So I can no longer use fear of doubt, or lack of faith as an excuse not to go or listen, or at least study. 

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Trying to Tell Me Something….

I made a corner in my house a few weeks ago, as a place for remembering. It has our family pics up from 2008, a few months before Jason passed. This weekend I found my little boy there, huddled in the corner, doing what looked like praying.

He’s 7, and unfortunately we dont get to church as much as we should… like ever. I pray with them, talk to them about God, but.. I think he needs more. Obviously theres always room for more God in someone’s life, especially for a little boy who’s lost his father. I knew that already. I just didnt act as quickly as I pictured I would when I reviewed my “game plan” as a new single mom.

For one thing, it aches to be in church without Jason. It literally creates a tightness in my throat and chest to be in places we used to be together, as a family. Family unit activities hurt. A lot. I feel wedged between two enormous feelings of hurt and disbelief, and a sense of loss for my children, being robbed of something so vital as a good father.

I digress.. As much as it broke my heart to see him there, praying so solemly, like a little old wise man, as much as I wanted to ask him what he was doing… I walked away. I said nothing.

Maybe God is trying to tell me something.