Monthly Archives: March 2019

As I read of the miracles Jesus performed, in John’s account, I see there’s a pattern. Jesus puts emphasis at the very end, before he dies, on being a “servant leader” and gives his disciples the task of loving each other as He loved them. The devotional portion after the chapters goes on to talk about the meaning of servant leader and how Jesus implicated this in his teachings. The questions after  ask me – How have I been called to be a servant leader? The “servant” part is pretty easy for me; I know I’ve been called to help other widows. I understood what I’m doing and building wasn’t going to be easy. I knew there would be long working hours, a ton of writing, and a lot of time in front of people, being an example, and being way outside my comfort zone. I knew I’d have to spend a lot of time and energy in mental spaces and among emotions I’d purposely removed myself from, to help others find their way out, too. This all still, sounded better to me, than working a 9-5 job building something I didn’t care about. Wasting my life on someone else’s dream, collecting a check to pay for a home I’m never in. Starting my own business doing what I love –  I jump out of bed everyday with the conviction that I’m doing what I supposed to be doing; learning new things, helping people, using talents I’ve always had, for a purpose I was given.

What I didn’t expect was the leadership portion. I’ve never wanted to be a “leader”, per se. I’ve always steered clear! Being a leader at work was the LAST thing I wanted – because of what I expect of a leader.  When I meet GOOD leaders I respect them deeply, because GOOD ones are hard to come by. A good leader knows EVERYONE’s job, and can do it at moments notice, just in case they need to. A leader plans the beginning, middle and end steps of the whole project – and makes contingency plans just in case. A leader knows they don’t know all the answers – but knows exactly where to find them and how to say so without fumbling or seeming incapable. A leader is responsible for being an effective communicator, speaking clearly and expertly so that the team knows exactly what is expected of them and is able to perform without issue. A leader makes the team feel as if each person has equal importance in their roles. A leader motivates others with her own real life experiences, empathizes using the golden rule, and energizes with the idea that anything is possible if a positive “we” attitude is applied.

That’s a BIG role to fill. Bigger than being queen of IG, bigger than being an awesome blogger, and bigger than having followers in a facebook group. Bigger than playing small, staying safe inside my own sandbox. And I will admit – that scares me. But.. in the same token I feel like I’ve always known this role would be required of me. The fact that I even know what it takes, ( from having some not-so-good leaders as well as excellent examples) makes me suspect I might have this knowledge for a reason. I know I could be a great leader. I just know its a LOT of work!

Being a widow forced me to take point in my own home, and in ways I didn’t even realize my husband was leading – I had to l learn to fill in. I had take over, and do well in order to lead my children in the right direction going forward, and earn their respect and obedience performing both parental roles. My own mother, devoted her life to education and really helping people (and she’s one of those “in the trenches”, whatever-it-takes, I’m-not-gonna-let-you-fail type of leader)  – and because of her I know exactly what “servant leader” means, all that it entails, and how to employ it. I’ve already become some thing of a “thought leader” in writing my book and spreading a message of hope and renewal for widows after loss.

But am I ready, to apply this to BIGGER work? Is my walk with widowhood a doorway to leadership? Is Jesus’ example a guide?

After Thought…

Has being a widow  pushed you to become a leader? In your home, or at work? Did you adapt quickly or did it take you a while? Do you feel like lessons learned in this arena could be used elsewhere in your life, perhaps even as part of your purpose? Are you employing a servant mentality in your leadership?

I read and read. Like literally, as soon as I got home this morning, after dropping off the kids – I stayed in my car, sat in the garage, and opened my mobile bible app. I knew I had this post to do today – and it keeps me accountable for reading the bible, as I said I would. I read John 2, then 3, and kept reading because I was looking for something to jump out and move me. Honestly I kept thinking- OK these chapters are about Jesus’ works, but all his works have a hint of coincidence, like him being able to guess a woman wanting more than just water at a well. Or a boy being healed at the same time that he said he would. The way Jesus spoke ( in the CEV version anyway) it was almost as if he said a lot of things that could have been perceived in different ways. Like when he says destroy this temple, and it will be rebuilt in 3 days – but he was talking about himself, not the temple he was standing in front of. I notice my unbelief creeping up in me – the part of me that wants to be logical and debate everything I read here. I ignore it… and keep reading…looking for something that will resonate with me. And then I get to this.

“You search the Scriptures, because you think you will find eternal life in them. The Scriptures tell about me, but you refuse to come to me for eternal life.”

John 5:39-40

OH For real? That’s what we’re doing, God? Just gonna call me out? Wow.

He’s right. I sat back and thought about why I’m even reading the bible in the first place. I thought about how I wanted to know more, I wanted a deeper relationship, I wanted to be reassured after losing my husband that there was an afterlife so I wouldn’t have to be so scarred by death. I didn’t want to be afraid anymore. I was (and still am at times) skeptical, but definitely don’t want to be left out if all this is real because death scares me so much. Watching someone die has given me a real, tangible anxiety about death and the fragility of life that I battle with daily. I think about how I DO believe in God – or at least I was sure I did before he died. Now I just fear being wrong. Terribly. Unshakably. And my way of trying to shake the fear was to look for some fear-obliterating, doubt shattering message in this here bible. I’m looking for eternal life in this book – and I’m reading about the messiah that will save me. I’m literally reading about the miracles he performed – and I’m picking them apart!! I’m refusing to believe the SOURCE. I haven’t just “come to Jesus” and said, look… I need you. I’m looking in the book for logical answers, for applicable guidance, some back door code into heaven and peace… And I feel like God just plucked me in the head. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I get this? Why does my unbelief persist? I am creative! I can think outside logic. I am intelligent! I should be able to figure this out!

I suppose it’s because I’m tangible, and belief is not. I’m looking for a touchable answer to a question that is not.  I guess what I got from this is that sometimes the answer is there – whether you want to believe it or not. Not believing it or accepting it or trying to verify it with logic because it doesn’t make sense – doesn’t make it make more sense. It just IS.  It’s a lot like love. When you love someone you know they will die. You don’t have a solid answer of why or when or where they will go. You just know they’ll be gone. Yet you love them anyway, and trust they will be with you somehow, forever (which defies all logic) . That’s just the way we work. It just is. Maybe God is the same. And accepting that God “just IS” could be the stepping stone to belief that I’m missing. Peaceful Acceptance. Not the stubborn kind that makes you feel angry and helpless- but willingly accepting that some things I don’t have control over, and some things wont always make sense. Things like death, faith, and eternal life. Accepting that some things just ARE, and that can’t be proven with logic or creatively avoided, or cleverly figured out with research and brain power- maybe that is just another part of this widow journey.  

How did becoming a widow affect your acceptance of inexplicable things?  Did it affect your acceptance of faith, Jesus and/or the premise of eternal life?